Asides
by jen0va99
Summary: Seph loves Cloud, Cloud likes Zack, Zack wants... girls. POV-ish story between the 3 friends. (sorry for lack of update!) P.2-1 The Reflective Pig [Yaoi - SxC, SxZ, CxZ (O.x); Language; Situations; AU; Idiocy]
1. Zack's Side, part 1: The Pig on the God

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Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::  
**Rating:** R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi, language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…  
**Pairings:** Sephiroth x Zack (in this chapter, anyway), Sephiroth/Cloud, Cloud/Zack  
**Notes:** _Please_ take no offense to Zack's use of the words 'gay' or 'queer', or his adamant claims to hetero-ness, it's… basically the lifeblood of his side. He's not homophobic, it's just… yes. Anyway. Danke!

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----Z-A-C-K-S---S-I-D-E----

I'm a straight guy. A _very_ straight guy. I like girls. _A lot_. I guess you could call me a womanizer.

Either that or a bastard.

The last girl I was seeing… - what was her name again? Ellen? Erin? It started with an 'E', I know that much. It doesn't really matter, I was only going out with her for a couple weeks. - Anyway, the 'E' girl preferred to call me a pig.

She didn't mean it at first, until she caught me with her sister and her sister's best friend. She called me a 'fucking cheating pig bastard', and then she slapped me, telling me she never wanted to see me again.

Wait, no, that's wrong.

She called me a 'fucking cheating pig bastard', told me she never wanted to see me again, and _then_ she slapped me.

I think she was lying about never wanting to see me again. She still has eyes.

Oh, yeah, I remember her name now. Elena.

See, that's my problem. I'm one of those 'love 'em and leave 'em' kinda guys. The longest relationship I was ever in was… two months? Three months? Her name was Aeris. Really pretty girl, nice eyes, twinkling voice, great body… and easier than counting to 'one'. She told me she loved me, too. I dumped her an hour later, after we had sex to 'celebrate' her revelation. I'm not the commitment kinda guy.

Besides, her mom was hot.

I can't seem to focus on one girl at a time, either. I cheat constantly. I don't think there's very many women in Midgar that I _haven't_ slept with.

A girl asked me once what I was more afraid of the most, dying alone, having never truly loved, or living longer than a person I loved more than life itself…

My answer was that I was most afraid of spiders. I _hate _those things. Especially the big, poisonous ones. I think she slapped me, got dressed, and left my by myself. Left me by myself, without killing that damn scary spider crawling on my bedroom wall. That rotten bitch.

I _told _her I was scared of spiders.

So inconsiderate. That girl really needed to pay attention to other people's feelings.

Honestly, I really don't have anybody to share my girl problems with. Well, I _do_, but they can't help me at all. They try, but there's something about girls that they don't understand.

Because my two best friends are gay.

I don't mind that at all, but, like I said, sometimes it's hard for me to have both of my only _true_ friends being homosexual. Guys are a lot different than girls. The two of them can't help me figure out women, they've never been with any. From what they've told me, guys are easier to please. But they did say that some of the things I do are relationship no-no's, whether it be with guys _or_ girls.

Like cheating. What the hell, can't a guy have a little fun? …Alright, in my case, a _lot_ of fun?

Apparently, not calling back is wrong, too. But how can I call someone back if I'm already spending the day with someone? What the hell.

Wait. That qualifies as cheating, doesn't it?

Oh, well. Enough about my problems. I'm not the only one with stuff to figure out.

My longtime friend, Sephiroth, can be a really scary guy. He's 23-years old - a couple years my senior - and deceptively tall. The way he has his hair adds like, five inches to his total height. He is, in reality, 6'1". I'm 5'10". But I look like a _dwarf_ compared to Seph. The guy's hair… it defies gravity. It's all… pokey. And really, _really_ long. Completely-covering-ass long. And it's _silver_. Not gray, not white, platinum, leaden, hoary, any other synonyms you can use. It's _silver_. And all… shimmery. Personally, I think he puts glitter in it in the morning.

His eyes are a little creepy, too. They're a bright-ass aqua. Seriously bright. Sometimes they glow in the dark. But on him… they work. Now, as I have made plenty clear, I am a _straight _guy. But I must say this. My friend Sephiroth is absolutely, incredibly, flat-out, scarily gorgeous.

Sometimes I wish he was a girl. Well… okay. I'm gonna be honest. Whenever I _look _at him, I wish he was a girl.

He likes to wear leather. A lot. And he's got a _really _nice ass for a dude. It may be the pants he wears, though. They fit him perfectly. They're not too tight in the front but tight in the back, somehow. And they fit over his thighs real well, with these sweet silver buckles right on the seam. They're kind of loose around the knees, don't cling to his calves - leather pants like that look really dumb - and they bunch up at the bottom, near his boots. He wears these really cool boots, too. They're black leather with buckles running up the sides, and have an exposed steel toe that he _somehow _manages to keep completely polished and un-scuffed.

One thing I'm grateful for… is that Seph's hair is really long. It's not right to stare at your friend's ass. Especially when you're a guy who digs girls. _A lot_ of girls. Shit, I didn't even describe his upper body yet, did I? Ah, man… I'm sounding queerer by the second…

Well, the guy's built, but not disgustingly so. Both of us go to the same gym, started going at the same time, right? But while I'm over here, muscle-y but still kinda thin. Not too thin, but my arms aren't that big. The muscles don't really show a whole lot until I flex. That pisses me off. But Seph, though… the dude's ripped in the arms. I don't know how. The guy can wear a fuckin' garbage bag and you know he's strong as hell. His chest is real broad, too. And he doesn't have scary muscle man-boobs. _And_ he has a six-pack. The guy's completely toned, and it **pisses me off**. He wears these tight black t-shirts just to make me mad, I _know _it. Buys 'em two sizes too small.

Actually, pissing me off isn't the _only _reason he wears 'em. Which brings me to my other friend.

Cloud.

Seph is hopelessly in love with the kid.

Now, see, Strife's… different. He's really, really shy. And very short. When I say I look like a dwarf compared with Seph… you should see Cloud. I _know_ he spikes his blonde hair up the way he does for those times him, Seph and I go places together. Gives him an extra 4 inches to his total height, but, since the hair's spiky… it doesn't really help. Cloud's young, too. He's only 16. But he's really smart for his age. Spike's got an IQ in the high 170's or something. But he's a really good kid. I've been friends with him for… two years now? Something along those lines.

One thing that I really appreciate about Spike _other_ than his friendship is his body. He makes me look a _lot_ less wimpy around Seph. But… Cloud's really, really pretty. He's got huge, bright-as-hell blue eyes, and the - gods, shoot me now - the most pinch-able little cheeks. I can_not_ believe I said that. Whatever. The boy's so effeminate in every way, you'd think Seph was straight, lusting after the him like that. A real mama's boy, too.

…so, since silver-boy and golden-boy are both really _gorgeous _and really _pretty_, respectively, that automatically makes me - ta da! - the _ugly _one in the group. Not to say I'm ugly. Just not Seph-and-Cloud caliber. Which is actually kinda good for me, because, hey, they look kinda like girls. I'm handsome. I got a nice tan, nice hazel eyes, and wicked hair. It's black, with spiky dreadlocks. Ladies love it.

Spike and I shop together a lot, since we've got the same general taste in clothing. Casual stuff, unlike _Seph_. Cloud and I wear the same type of pants, those SOLDIER surplus ones. I gotta have mine in olive green or navy blue, and would just as soon go pants-less if I didn't have 'em. Need them a couple sizes too big, too, so I can wear a cool, too-long belt to keep 'em up just underneath my hipbone. My boxers usually show, but that's alright. When I'm with Spike and Seph, no one looks at me anyway.

Cloud likes to bitch at me about my shirts. I like to wear tank tops when Cloud wears loose t-shirts. I like tanks cuz show off my sweet tattoo. Alright, Seph says it's a stupid tattoo. It's Wutaian for the letters Z, A, and X. He only says it's stupid because my name isn't Zax, it's Zack. But I like Zax, and I don't care if Seph doesn't like my tattoo.

Cloud doesn't have any problems with my tattoo.

Now that I think of it, Seph thinks a lot of things I do are stupid, and Spike likes most of the stuff I do. I think that's why Cloud and I can stand to be around each other for long periods of time.

Which, admittedly, I usually spend wishing Cloud was a girl.

Then both my sexy guy friends would be sexy girl friends.

And then we can make a Zack-wich.

Sometimes I wish I _was _gay, even if it was just for a little while. I mean… look at my friends. They're hot.

And I'm straight.

The Fates conspire against me once more.

That's not to say neither one of them tried to get with me. The time Seph tried was… really _bad_, to say the least. It was a while before Cloud came into the picture, though, cuz when Cloud stepped in, Seph fell, and he fell _hard_. Pining for the kid for two years now. Two _years_. To this day, I don't know how Spike doesn't know. I mean, it's pretty fuckin' obvious. Maybe Cloud's just retarded, I don't know. What was I going on about again? Oh, the first time Seph came on to me.

I was dating a girl from Nibelheim, this little hick-town in the mountains, named Tifa. She gets the bright idea one day to play a game of Truth or Dare with myself and Seph. Now… Tifa was different. She liked to do that voyeur stuff. And that thought should've come into play in my mind before I agreed to the damn game. I _knew_ she thought I was hot, and she told me she thought _Seph _was hot. And when she brought up the game… she had this _look_ in her eye. One of those looks that would make any normal person run the fuck away from the crazy bitch with the **EYES**. But not Zack! Because I'm a genius with a perverted girlfriend and a gay best friend too gorgeous for words.

You see where I'm going with this, right?

We start the game, everything's fine. Seph took the safe route, choosing truth the whole time. No big revelations were made, just simple stuff, how many people have you fucked, have you ever beat off a dog, you know, things like that. Tifa went with a dare the second round… I made her beat off a dog. Now, if she ever gets asked that again, she can say she has. Ah… then we get to Zack, the amazing idiot boy. A few rounds into the game, and the three of us were effectively hammered. Shit, I forgot to mention we were drinking, didn't I? Um… well, we were drinking. And I chose dare.

Tifa was the dare…master… lady.

So… I mentioned she was a voyeur. She didn't dare us to do anything more than… get naked and make out… for ten minutes. But Seph got a little too into it.

See, my eyes were closed almost the whole time. I wasn't thinking of it as kissing Seph. I was thinking of it as kissing a _female_ Seph. Or, at least, tried. But… okay, Seph is, I guess you could say, the more dominant one in his relationships? The seme, I think he said? So… right. Zack, do not be afraid! I won't, Zack. Good boy, Zack. Sorry. Brain fart.

Right. Well, it started all well and good. But, I knew, I _knew_ I shouldn't have gone through with the dare when I noticed Sephiroth was a little more than… um… /_ready_/ and /_willing_/ when I was not.

Yet.

We get naked, me just taking my clothes off really fast, when Seph had a little trouble, since, well… his pants were tighter than usual. Gods, you should've seen Tifa. She was literally drooling just watching us strip. So, I just sit there. And my eyes drifted south of Seph's border. The guy's massive. It's _frightening_. Then Tifa starts bitching at me because, since it was my dare, I was supposed to make the first move. I was supposed to kiss my best friend.

I'm not really the 'experimental' kind of guy.

Honestly, I tried to start it for like, five minutes. I'd move a little closer to Seph and stop. I never kissed a guy before, and I was a little more than freaked out. Finally, I'm close to him, so I just close my eyes and lean forward, and, since I wasn't looking, I didn't even get close to my target. I managed to get my forehead jabbed pretty hard by Seph's chin.

So I moved back again and grabbed his shoulders, closed my eyes again, and pulled him towards me. My lips landed on the tip of his nose. He was giggling at that, it was really weird. Like I said before, Seph's this really intimidating guy, and he's _giggling_ because I kissed his _nose_.

I was out of options. If I had to do my dare, I had to start the kiss with my eyes _open_, looking at my best friend's face 'til it got closer and closer. I stopped about an inch away from him, said "Fuck it," grabbed the back of his head and pulled him forward. So, I had begun the process of making out with my friend.

She didn't tell me before, but since she did the dare, she pretty much called the shots as far as the kissing went. While I had planned on it being close-mouthed and dry, she went the complete opposite route. I wasn't half as drunk as Seph, though. I think having to strip down and make out with your best friend in front of your current girlfriend-slash-plaything is a pretty sobering experience.

Tifa let the kiss stay close-mouthed at first, being nice like that. Then she tells me to lick Seph's lips. That part wasn't really that bad, I guess, he's got girly lips. Then he opened his mouth, and Tifa of course took that opportunity to make me French him.

…that part was weird… see, guys' jaws and teeth are a lot different than girls', I found out. Guys are stronger all around, you know, more solid, so obviously… wrestling with Seph's tongue was pretty harsh. The guy's _forceful_.

Oi. Then she makes me kiss his neck. Alright, no problem. Then down his collarbone. Fine, nothing I haven't done with a chick before. Then nibble on his earlobe a bit. I do it, but it was hard, 'cause, well, Seph smelled like a boy. Then I had to lick down - "sloooowly," said Tifa in the perviest voice I ever heard her use - to bite his shoulder, and then move back up his - very _long_ - neck.

At that point, Seph lost it. I guess there's only so much the big guy can take.

He grabbed me and threw me down, pinning me to the ground. It was… really… strange. Then the guy starts frenching me, and _hard_. I mean, really, _really_ hard. My lips were bruised, too… I think he chipped one of my teeth. But I just kept my eyes shut and went with it, ya know, 'cause Tifa was really getting off on it and I wanted to get some later. The girl's stacked, and I'm a pig, what can I tell you.

Now, let me clear something up. Or sate your suspicions. Yes, Seph's a good kisser. A _really_ good kisser. And I'm sad to say, he's… well, so far, that was the best make-out session I ever had.

And I've had a _lot _of 'em.

So, there I was, imagining Seph was a girl, when the guy grabs my cock and starts jacking me off. His hands are really girly and soft, you know, because like the rest of his body, he takes good care of them. That added to the fact that I was horny from my mind's eye's image of making out with Sephy-girl made me a pretty happy camper. I mean, come on. I'm a guy, you do the math. Sucking face -plus- girly hand working on wang -equals- one very enthusiastic Zack.

'Til Seph started to grind on my leg… with a package comparable in size to my femur. So, not only was I making out with a _guy_, and, regrettably _enjoying_ it - the guy being my _best friend_ no less - for the first _time_, with a _girl _watching… and now, adding insult to injury, the guy is humping me with genitalia that would put a _horse_ to shame. So naturally, I panic, and pushed him off of me - _somehow_ - and flee to the side of the room like frightened little girl.

Of course, Tifa was pissed off about that. I mean, _really_ pissed off. She slapped me, then she left, saying she never wanted to see me again because I was a pussy. That really hurt… Tifa had one hell of an arm on her.

That's okay, though. She was bitchy anyway.

Now, remember, this is a story about the first time Seph came on to me. And it wasn't 'til _after _the whole scene that he did. He got up and shook his head, then went into the bathroom to… uh… relieve his tension - which is something I think I should be proud of, I guess… - and I just got dressed.

So a couple days after that ordeal, Seph calls me up on my PHS and asks me to come over. I of course say yes, cuz I was lonely since my parents weren't home and all the girls I called were busy. Fuck you, I live in my parent's basement, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Well, Seph comes over, and it's kinda awkward. He was acting all shy around me, something he hadn't done since I first met him in _grade school_. I just shrug it off and start setting up my ShinRa BattleStation, this wicked video game system that had recently come out. It's got really good graphics, and the games are sweet. So I challenge him in a fighting game Corel Gaming came out with called 'SOLDIERs: Mako Taint'. It's a cool game, deals with tactics and stuff, not just an all-out brawler. I should've known better than to play him in that, somehow silver-boy's a tactical genius.

When Seph and I usually fight in games like that, we make it a competition. Last time, loser had to wear a vinyl micro-miniskirt for an entire day in Wall Market… going commando. Man, that was tough. But I never got so many phone numbers in Seph's presence in my entire _life_. Apparently, a _lot _of girls in Wall Market really like that cross-dressing skanky-boy look, and _not _just the girls working at the Honey Bee. They especially go for it when said guy is a sexy, scruffy hard-ass like myself with more charisma than you can… um… shake… something… at…

Unfortunately, since I set the terms previous game, it was Seph's turn to do it. The devious grin should've given it away. Loser had to give the other a blowjob. I stared at him for a long, long time. And he said he was serious, and just staring at me. And abruptly started telling me that I was the most beautiful man he's ever seen, and how he wanted me since he met me, that he thinks of me when he's with other guys, and just absolutely gushing about me like a lovesick little girl. It was really creepy. I honestly had no clue he felt that way about me. He acts like he hates me sometimes.

Then out of the blue he starts pawing at me, and I felt really bad, smacking his hands away, just pushing his crush on me aside like that… I mean, yeah, he's a good-looking guy, and a damn good kisser, but I don't swing that way.

Even _if _a blowjob _was _pretty tempting. Since Seph's good with his tongue, then…

…uh… nevermind that.

He started to pout after I rejected him; it was just a ploy, though, I bet. But, I _had _to tell him no, and hope that he understood. We never did play the game, cuz Seph left a few minutes after he told me all that stuff, and things were really tense between us for… gods… _months _afterward, and really awkward until I became friends with Cloud. Who, I'm pretty sure, thought I was a jackass when we first met…

-E-N-D---Z-A-C-K-S---S-I-D-E---E-N-D-

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A/N: Minor revision on 7/05/04. Nothing major, just edited some wayward quotes and such.

God, I love Seph x Zack… X.X And that was really fun writing… this Zack's so… dumb. Hee hee.


	2. Cloud's Side, part 1: The Boy on the Pig

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Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::  
**Rating:** R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi, language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…  
**Pairings:** Sephiroth/Cloud, Sephiroth/Zack, Cloud/Zack  
**Notes:** …Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, what a snotty little bitch you are.

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----C-L-O-U-D-S---S-I-D-E----

Have you ever gone somewhere you were too young to be only to get hit on by someone a lot older than you? How about a bar, and that person was drunk? Yeah? How about if you're being hit on by this person who's telling you you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen before in his life?

Alright… how about this, then. The guy who's hitting on you was piss-drunk, had just been slapped in the face by a woman who called him an asshole and walked away? Really? Fine. Maybe this'll throw you.

How about getting hit on by that guy, even though you tell him you're really a _boy_, and you're _dressed_ like a boy, and _acting_ like a boy, and have to practically whip your _dick_ out to the guy to prove it because he's too _stupid_ to realize you're telling the _truth_?

I thought so.

Oh, by the way, that guy was Zack. He was a **_raging_** jackass.

And, sadly, that was the first time we met.

I snuck into this really shitty bar in Sector 7 called 'Seventh Heaven' one night after the guy I was dating for a while dumped me because I wouldn't fuck him. What the hell? I just turned 14! Yeah, I know, hormones, blah, blah, but I didn't _want_ to have sex with the guy. He was just disgusting… I don't even know why I went out with him, anyway. Really creepy, bald, barely talked, wore sunglasses _all_ the _time_… besides the point.

So I was in the bar, just… there… not really doing anything. I didn't order a drink only because I _hate_ alcohol, I honestly just sneak into bars because I like the atmosphere. Except at that bar, it… really sucked. It was filled with idiots.

And little did I know, the biggest idiot _there_ would become one of my best friends.

I swear, Zack was hitting on any woman on two legs… except that one girl with half a leg, but that doesn't count. I was just kind of watching him 'work his magic'… which, in reality, was being turned down by everyone he came on to but leaving with a crooked grin on his face.

The last woman had slapped him, _hard_. I'm talking near baseball-bat-to-the-face hard. His cheek was flaming red, I swear to the gods. I couldn't hear what he was saying or anything, but I _did_ know that none of his lines worked, and I _also_ knew he was very, _very_ sexy.

Zack has this odd look to him. He's got jet-black hair that he wears in dreads… But the things are so _spiky_. And really long. They stick up everywhere, like he just attacked himself with a pair of scissors then clumped the hair up. It's just weird. And he looks like the outdoorsy type, tan and all that. And he _always_ looks dirty. But the thing is, he is _never_ dirty… well, except in his _head_…

He smells nice, too. And he's got a great voice. And a _very_ nice body. I feel like jumping him whenever I see him… which, sadly, is _all the time_.

But I'm getting off track.

I don't even know how he thought I was a girl. Yeah, my face is a little feminine, and I'm on the thin side, but what the fuck? I was wearing SOLDIER-style pants and a t-shirt. I don't know how he didn't notice my suspicious lack of tits, or makeup, and you would _think_ that really freaked-out spiky blonde hair would've tipped him off just a bit.

Shit, my _voice_ was even changing at the time, he didn't notice it cracking, either?!

Yeah, I realize Zack sounds like a gigantic retard. But he's really not… when he wants to be. He has good advice… sometimes… well… huh.

But what I do know is that he's a really great guy. And really considerate. Just… not towards _women_. But to me and Seph? He'd do anything for us.

And again, I've run off track.

I don't know how he could recover from being slapped so hard that quickly. I'm serious. I thought I heard a bone snap. But he did, and, after having no luck with any of the women left, he focused on me.

The **_boy_**.

Who did **_not_** look like a girl, I _might add_. Well, alright, _Sephiroth_ says I do **_sometimes_**, but _still_. Zack's _straight_, and, drunk or not, he should _know_ a girl from a boy.

He came up to me and asked me my name, and I told him. And followed up with the _cheesiest_ pick-up line I've _ever_ heard.

"Is your name Cloud because you fell from heaven?"

…what the fuck does that even _mean_?!?

So I stared at him with one of those 'you've got to be kidding me' faces, and he's just standing there, smiling at me, waiting for… _something_. It was more creepy than anything. I think five minutes went by before he started getting shifty-eyed and nervous.

And the entire time he smiled that goofy smile with an eyebrow raised, barely even _blinking_. I think he was expecting me to slap him or something. He's kind of like a beaten dog when he hits on girls, I noticed, always flinching, but just never learning his lesson. A glutton for punishment, in some ways.

But I didn't slap him. I just stood there, and he asked if he could but me a drink. I didn't want anything, but he insisted and ordered… Sex on the Beach. Two of them. And handed me one with a smirk and a wink, the look on his face telling me that's what he wanted from _me_ more than the _bartender_.

Naturally, I realized then why he had no luck with the ladies. He lacks a _lot_ of tact.

I made a face at him and he laughed. Really, really loud. I'm surprised he didn't piss himself yet, that's how wasted he was. But, for _some_ reason, we started talking, and every once in a while he'd tell me I was beautiful and all that 'I-wanna-get-in-your-pants' bullshit. And every _single_ **_time_** he said something like that I _told_ him that I _wasn't_ a girl, I was a **_boy_**. I knew he wasn't gay… or even bi, for that matter, because I was the only guy in the bar, save the bartender, that he even looked at the entire time.

And there were some other good-looking guys there. Just none of them as good-looking as the brain-damaged hottie _I_ was talking to.

Every time I told him I was male, he'd just laugh and tell me I was just too drunk to know my gender. I hadn't even _touched_ my drink, because _he_ got to it _first_.

Yeah, he was _that_ stupid.

I think after the… 15th time he said I was pretty and whatnot, I got fed up and said that if he didn't believe me that time, I was going to take my pants off and _prove_ it. He had one of those expectant looks on his face until he _finally_ realized that I was, in fact, _not_ a girl.

Gee, I _wonder_ what could've tipped him off?

So he's just sitting there staring at me, and I decide I don't want to be stuck in that piece of shit place they called a bar anymore, after talking to Zack for nearly an hour. I went to get up but he stopped me and asked for my _PHS number_.

I don't know why he asked me for it, even to this _day_. But I gave it to him… yes, my actual number, I'm not _that_ cruel. And he finally asked me my age, and I swear his jaw hit the floor at the realization that he'd been hitting on a _14_-year old _boy_ for a good chunk of the night.

I just went home after that. I didn't think anyone could be so stupid, and I didn't exactly feel like meeting anymore drunken idiots.

So the next day, I get a surprise.

At noon, I think, around there, I was just at home reading when my PHS rings. Guess who was on the phone?

A very hung-over jackass from the shitty bar, inviting me over to his house to meet a friend of his and hang out for a while.

My mom comes in the door as I'm about to say no. She asked me who it was on the PHS - and Zack asked me who _she_ was - and my mom forced me to go out and meet some new friends.

I hate mothers sometimes. Being a teenager sucks, too. You're basically powerless, especially if your mother's the only other one in your family.

So, yeah. To make sure I actually _went_ to Zack's, she took the handset from me and started talking to him, asking for directions, stopping occasionally to giggle like a schoolgirl.

I knew Zack was hitting on her. That was a little spooky.

But she got off the phone and started raving about how great my 'new friend' was. It _sucked_. Besides from how pleasing he was to the eyes, I didn't even _like_ the guy. Mama Strife doesn't take too kindly to backtalk, though, so I didn't say anything.

Well, that and I wasn't about to tell her the only reason I would go was to see that sexy dumbass again. What mama don't know about her only child's sexuality can't hurt her.

The ride there was terrible. Traffic was backed up everywhere, Midgar was too damn hot, it was just shitty. And the entire time my mom raved on and on about Zack. What the fuck? She talks to someone for five minutes, gets hit on by him, and suddenly he's the greatest guy in the world?

I absolutely dreaded going into his house, but yet again, I was powerless against my mom. Protesting gets you nothing but a guilt trip. And I wasn't exactly in the mood for that.

She walked me to the door. I could've _died_. I had one of those oh-so-fantastic feelings that the worst wasn't over yet.

Zack showed up at the door I think the third knock in… and he looked utterly drool-worthy.

Well, despite that nasty hangover.

I noticed that that stupid smile barely ever left his face since I met him. Okay, that's a lie, but he does smile a lot. And a great smile, too, his teeth are damn near perfect. And his lips… I just wanna kiss those lips and that body and gods he's hot.

Seph told me once that he made out with Zack, and just a tiny bit more. That made me impossibly jealous.

Where was I again…?

Oh, right. He smiled all huge and invited the both of us into this decent-looking house, and right away starts hitting on my mom. She looks like me, after all, only 20 years older, and with boobs. I felt left out. That kinda took me by surprise.

I cleared my throat a while later when my mom was blushing like a fiend, hiding her mouth behind her hand. I hate that schoolgirl mode women slip into when someone handsome's hitting on them, and my mom does that _a lot_.

Maybe that's why I hate women.

Then some huge guy with hair weirder than Zack's just walks into the door and stares at us with these freaky-ass eyes. He was hot, though. Just… very intimidating. I think I held onto my mom's arm like a little child when he looked at me.

Our gracious host - ha! - finally stops putting the moves on my mom and waves at the scary guy in the doorway, inviting him in. Of course, that scary guy would be best friend #2 later on.

He stared at me. A lot. I wanted to cry, it was terrible being scrutinized by that gigantic silver-haired beauty. The guy didn't even _talk_ until I think an hour or two after my mom left, still giggling. Seph only nodded or shook his head when Zack asked him anything.

I actually thought he was a mute.

Anyway, my mom left, and Zack brought us all down to his crappy room… in the basement of his parent's house. You'd think a guy his age would've lived at his _own_ place, since men in Midgar tend to grow up faster than most.

Well… then again… Zack barely acted _my_ age, let alone his _own_.

So the three of us hung out. I don't even know if that time in the basement could qualify as 'hanging out'… Zack liked to talk. Constantly. About nothing at all. He's like a puppy chasing his tail. And that's all he did in the basement.

I wanted to smack him. Sephiroth looked like he did, too.

When he wasn't _staring_ at me, of course.

I don't understand where Zack gets his energy. He barely sat down while he spoke, was always gesturing or shaking his head or scratching himself or pacing… just watching him made _me_ exhausted. When he asked me to hang out, I thought we'd be hanging _out_, not sitting in his basement _watching_ him **_talk_**. It _sucked_. And I learned _way_ too much about him.

Like how freakin' horny he was ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Seriously, every other sentence started with 'this chick I was going out with' or 'one girl I was seeing said' or 'a girl I fucked'. It was terrible. I think the entire time he was talking, he didn't mention a single girl more than once. Honestly, I don't know how Seph could stand it.

And he suddenly suggests we go to this arcade in town. Just out of the blue. He was telling us a story about these twins he was messing around with a split-second earlier. I wasn't even aware his story _ended_.

Then Seph spoke up and practically yelled at Zack about going to the arcade, saying that I was too young or some bullshit. It pissed me off, so I told him that I _wanted_ to go, and he got all pouty. I didn't get what his problem was, I mean, it was just an arcade.

Well, I found out later, when Zack introduced me to his friend Reno - who usually worked there - why Seph was so hesitant to bring me. But… we won't get into that _now_, will we?

Our walk there was anything _but_ uneventful. I think I met at least six ex-fucktoys Zack had, and I met Seph's brother Vincent, hanging onto the arm of his girlfriend Lucrecia like a fucking puppy. Gods, _she_ was a BITCH. She didn't even let Vincent stop for more than five minutes when Seph waved him over.

Apparently Zack and Vincent got along really well. From Vin's quiet demeanor and Zack's… less than… the two seemed like they should've clashed. But they didn't.

Lucrecia hated Zack, though, I could tell. Seph didn't seem too fond of her either. The glares he shot at her… well, that doesn't matter. There's just something fucked with the way they acted.

Maybe because Sephiroth was trying to convince his brother to have some balls, who knows.

After Vincent obeyed his… love's… whims and left, we started off again only to be stopped like, five seconds later by this chick that hit Zack in the head with her pocketbook, out of _nowhere_. She didn't say anything, just hit him and stormed off!

He didn't even seem to _notice_, either. He's just _that_ used to being abused. All I know is, if he was with _me_… well… yeah. It makes me mad that he's not attracted to guys… I'm really into him. Two years - well, not the entire two years, but a good chunk of it - I've been dropping hints to him that I _liked_ him… a _lot_.

But it gets me nowhere… he just thinks I agree with everything he does.

Zack's pretty dense.

We finally made it to the arcade after being stopped a few more times, Zack talking about nothing as usual, and Seph just muttering things about Lucrecia. He _really_ hates her.

The arcade was fun, though, even _Seph_ had a good time. He completely beat my ass in this virtual fighting game, though. I swear, I could practically feel it when his guy hit mine, it was just brutal. I think I had bruises afterwards when Zack dragged me off to go play a snowboarding game, leaving Seph to play this… weird… moogle… game…

If I hear the word 'kupo' ever again in my lifetime, I am going to shoot myself. Mark my words.

Zack was really good on the snowboard, and I sucked terribly. I never realized someone could wipe out so much while on a _machine_. It was pretty sad.

But, I kicked Zack's ass in this submarine warfare deal there. But, sadly, it was a game built for more than two people and Seph joined in, **_completely_** destroying me. I don't understand how he did it, either. My sub was in back of his, firing missiles at him like crazy, and he evaded every single one and just disappeared out of sight.

Three seconds later, my sub was sunk. What the FUCK?! It wasn't fair.

So I punched him.

And, consequently, hurt my hand in the process. That guy's stomach is a _rock_.

We left Wonder Square after that little… incident… and went back to Zack's where I called my mom and left.

The weird thing is, I really liked hanging out with Seph and Zack. I still don't get it. Seph's really intimidating and… very, _very_ hot… and Zack's an idiot. And, also, very, **_very_** hot. But, the three of us get together often, hanging around and all that. It took a while, but Seph started talking more, even though he _still_ stared at me, and does to this _day_.

And, sadly, my crush on Zack is still pretty big. Not out of hand, but… just… you know. Odd.

I mean, he's straight.

You're wondering why I didn't try and go for Seph since he's the more competent choice, right? I'm attracted to him, he's gay, I'm gay, why not just ask him, right?

Ha!

As if _Seph_ would go for someone like _me_. He's practically a _god_.

Besides, Seph tends to go a little… well, crazy… when I'm going out with people. He says I'm too young to be going out and all that. I don't know what his problem is. He's _really_ overprotective of me.

Though I guess he did have a reason to be when I started dating Reno. He seemed like a decent enough guy, you know? We went out for maybe a month or so, and I liked him a lot. Not as much as I like _Zack_, of course, or _Seph_, but I still did.

Anyway… Sephiroth completely flipped when Zack mentioned to him that Reno said that we were fucking. That was a pretty confusing sentence, huh?

Well, it was _true_, but Seph still went crazy. A few months shy of 15 is too young for someone to lose their virginity, I guess. At least according to Seph.

So I had to tell him everything; when we started having sex, how often, why I was doing it, then he scolded me, saying I should be in love beforehand, and the guy I'm with should love _me_, I should respect myself more, blah, blah, blah.

He also said he knew Reno was screwing around on me.

And he was right.

When I broke up with him, Seph went out and kicked Reno's ass. I saw him a few days later, he had a broken nose, a broken arm, and stitches underneath two black eyes.

I told you Seph was a scary guy. It just makes me wonder why he cares what I do so much, he doesn't do that for **_Zack_**…

-E-N-D---C-L-O-U-D-S---S-I-D-E---E-N-D-

——————————

__

A/N: Whee! I like writing this Cloud. He's so… teenybopper-ish. And Sephy… aww, I feel bad for Seph… ::squishes Sephiroth::  
**Sephiroth (frowning):** Stop that, you **know** I **hate** you.  
But… I love joo, Seph! I want you to be happy!  
**Sephiroth:** …I'll be happy if you **let me go and never touch me again**.  
::pouts::  
**Sephiroth:** My side's up next. I've no doubt it'll suck. She constantly makes me the angst-y one.  
No I don't…  
**Sephiroth:** ::narrows eyes:: Filthy **liar**.  
…I'm sorry, master. ::hangs head::  
**Sephiroth:** Good girl. Now go make me a sandwich before I decapitate you with the Masamune.  
::pouts and walks away, head down::  
**Sephiroth:** ::grins wickedly:: Slaves are wonderful, aren't they? ::clears throat:: Oh, Clooooud… come to papa, daddy needs him some lovin'!  
(from kitchen) I HEARD THAT!! **DON'T GET OOC**!!!  
Sephiroth's eyes dart


	3. Seph's Side, part 1: The God on the Boy

****

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::  
**Rating:** R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi, language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…  
**Pairings:** Sephiroth/Cloud, Sephiroth/Zack, Cloud/Zack  
**Notes:** …Sephiroth is so fucking obsessed it's not even funny. You freak. FREAK.

——————————

----S-E-P-H-I-R-O-T-H-S---S-I-D-E----

It's truly maddening when you realize how completely clueless the people around you are. Even the plainest things are hard for some people to see, and let's just say… I'm not quite tolerant with those sorts of people.

Normally.

My friends are two of those incredibly dense people you feel like hitting in the head with something very blunt and very hard in vain attempts for them to realize _anything_ not told to them outright.

I _know_ that Cloud likes Zack. Or lusts after Zack… which one it truly is, I can't tell… but it is rather obvious that either way, Cloud wants him… at least to me. How Zack himself doesn't realize this, I haven't the faintest. Cloud - _my_ Cloud…! - fawns over him like a girl with her favorite Yuffie™ Doll. At this point, I'm even slightly surprised Cloud hasn't offered to do up Zack's dreadfully unruly hair or put him into a pretty, frilly purple dress.

…actually, that would be rather amusing… I think I'd actually like to see that. But that's besides the point.

It's hard for me to admit, but… Zack is an idiot.

Alright, perhaps 'idiot' is too strong of a word. Instead, let's use… 'vapid'.

His mind is never… _there_. I don't think he can perceive anything not shoved into his face - not to say I want Cloud… well… shoved in Zack's face. But Cloud's… _crush_… is anything _but_ hidden, and, I reiterate, Zack does _not_ see it. Though, fortunately for me, he would most likely act - and by 'act' I truly mean the 'pretending' definition of the word - uninterested anyway.

Which, of course, brings me to something else… the issue of Zack's… _alleged_… 'preference'.

I have to be perfectly honest. I _completely _believe Zack lies about where his _true _attractions lay. I can't remember the last time he has had a steady girlfriend in all the years I've known him, if he ever has in his entire life. He doesn't usually fare too well in platonic relationships, either. True, he does have several other friends who are male, but… he usually spends the majority of his time with Cloud and me. And I mean a good 2/3 of his time.

When he's not with us, 99.9% of the time he's out looking for his next potential lay.

Perhaps his loyalty to us is due to the fact that, obviously, Zack doesn't _sleep_ with us. …of course, there was that time he and I… well… which led to my… _gods_, that was stupid of me… but he has broken up with 'girlfriends' for less than _my_ admission!

And quicker, I might add.

I was set to come to terms with the fact that our friendship was over after I left that day, but Zack obviously wasn't. Zack called _me_ a few days later. Zack apologized _to me. Zack wanted to stay friends with **me**._ And so, here I am, still in his life. But where are those _girls_? Exactly.

Of course, I could be wrong. He is rather fickle with many things, perhaps he keeps Cloud and me around to keep him stable? The gods know he is definitely one who could benefit from stability. If he isn't content to stay in one bed, then he has to at _least_ have someone who will stay with _him_.

I just can't deny, though, this… look… he gets in his eyes when the three of us are together sometimes. He seems almost… hungry. Predatory. And even so far as _horny_.

Then again, Zack's always horny. He has the libido of a rabbit. But that still doesn't explain why he would look at _us_ in that way, unless there was a spark of attraction, as I assume. I wonder if Zack could possibly be getting bored with women. I, myself, find the 'fairer sex' quite maddening, and hardly 'fairer' at all. I'm glad that I rarely have to deal with them…

Yes, I say rarely. Vincent _does_ have a girlfriend, who is at our house quite often, but believe me, Lucrecia is _not_ a woman. She is merely a beast with the ability to speak and walk upright… most of the time. Rotten… no good… _whore_… hate you, you vile wench…

…but, as much as I would love to rant on about my brother's poor choice in _lovers_, now isn't the time.

Allow me to be rather frank with you. When Zack finally realizes he was not meant to be with women - which I'm assuming-slash-hoping he will - I would most certainly step in and prove him right. _Very_ right. I believe you know what I'm getting at.

To borrow a Zack-ism, 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge'.

Hm. This monologue makes me sound terribly untrue to my as-of-yet unrequited love for Cloud, doesn't it?

Truth be told, my feelings for Zack are far less serious than I make them out to be. Yes, I am greatly attracted to him, even after all this time. Yes, had I the chance, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. And I _do_ love Zack, but it isn't _romantic_ love. The two of us together… I couldn't see us having an actual, emotionally attached relationship. As petty as it sounds, he would be a 'friend with benefits' to me, and, judging Zack's nature, I to him.

But Cloud… _Cloud_, I could see myself with, and for a long time.

As much as I enjoy being in Cloud's presence, I feel more comfortable all-around with Zack. I don't have to worry about resisting the urge to paw at him when we're alone in his room, and there's rarely awkward silence between us. And Zack would be the first to admit that the rare times I allow myself to act even _remotely_ foolish are around him. A man's resolve has to break sometimes, you know. One can only be the emotionless bastard for so long before release is necessary.

But, with Cloud, it's different. I feel the need to protect him, to keep myself the older, wiser one. It must make me come off as a stiff, but there's nothing I can do about it. I suppose I'm a decent friend, if anything, but as a lover… I'm not quite sure Cloud could - or _would_ want to - handle the constant pressure I'd keep him under.

…_mental_ pressure. Physical pressure is a whole different story. I highly doubt he would complain about _that_ aspect…

I do understand I am overly protective of him, but… Cloud is a beautiful person. He's kind, pleasant to be around, gorgeous, with the most alluring air of innocence about him, even after being thoroughly debauched by that ass _Reno_.

Gods, I want Cloud… I _want_ him. Even so far as to _own_ him. How disturbing is _that_? One could say I'm obsessed with the boy, and… I don't deny that accusation at all. I'm _not_ obsessed as in 'take-pictures-and-pin-them-to-the-wall-in-a-secret-room' _stalker_ obsessed, just… 'I-can't-stop-thinking-about-you' obsessed. The most romantic type of obsession. Or pure and simple love, either way describes it accurately… but it isn't _normal_ to… _need_… someone so badly… is it?

But, unfortunately for me, no matter the hints I drop… Cloud is as thick as the other spiky-head.

I wish I could just tell him outright, it would be so much easier than pining away for him like this, but I can't. If it was a simple crush I had on the boy, maybe then it wouldn't be so… terrifying. Yes, I am terrified to tell him. It's not the words themselves I'm scared of, not at all.

It's the Planet-shattering, potentially cataclysmic result of being denied which is the factor I don't want to face.

My psyche is rather fragile. And supposedly, I'm prone to fits of hysteria.

But that's yet to be proven.

Hmm… I should stop referring to Cloud as 'the boy'. It makes me sound like a pedophile. Though I have to admit, Cloud _is_ rather young. I'm not _that_ much older, though, am I? Only… seven years… hmm. I wonder if that's why he can't pick up on how I feel for him…?

Either that, or Zack's idiocy is rubbing off on him.

I try to keep them both on the straight-and-narrow, but they always stray. Neither of them _think_ before they do things. For example, how Zack has a different girl every night, not worrying about consequences. He has no morals, it seems, and as I myself am… ahem… a morally upstanding individual, it makes me mad.

…because he's passing it onto _Cloud_!!

Alright, perhaps Cloud isn't _so_ bad so far as the promiscuity aspect goes… he definitely isn't Zack-caliber with it - i.e.: cannot keep it in his pants for five bloody _minutes_ - but he has been with his fair share of men since Zack introduced us all. I am, though, _completely_ blaming Zack for Cloud's budding sex drive.

Firstly, for befriending him. Since then, Cloud has taken quite a dip in Zack's rather expansive pool of acquaintances.

Secondly, for _allowing_ his friends to go after Cloud in the first place.

And thirdly… for not telling Cloud that **_I_** want to take advantage of that wealth!! Honestly, what do I have to do, take a goddamn Nail Bat to Zack's skull!?

…not that I would.

Because I am _not_ insane.

…_despite_ what Lucrecia says…

…that bitch…

But I digress.

As far as Cloud's age goes, I know it seems sick that I can be so… _attracted _to someone as young as he is. But I can't _help_ it. The boy - …there I go again… - does _strange_ things to me. I hate it. I hate being weak, and that's what I _am_ around him. Gods, I haven't even had a _fling _since I met him. Two years, _celibate_! All because I'm still waiting for _Cloud_!!

What the hell is wrong with me?! How can I be devoted to someone I don't have!?

I've asked Vincent how I should get that… so very tempting… blonde out of my brain. He advised I stop complaining and go ahead and tell Cloud how I feel. Ha! As if it could be that easy. Next time he angsts to me about his bloody girlfriend I'm going to tell him to shove it.

I _would_ ask my father about it, but… he is a very creepy man. And, also not so accepting of my sexuality as my brother is. If I asked, he wouldn't listen and give advice to that sort of question so much as stare at me mutely, as if I'm some sort of experiment which 'bears further study'. Fucking inept scientists…

Needless to say, I don't enjoy talking to him much.

At all.

And my mother… well, Mother is mad. She is _legally_ insane, locked away somewhere in Midgar. I don't believe she would be of much help when it comes to my sex life - or lack thereof… - and this judgment is based solely on the fact that she's taken to calling me 'puppet' instead of my given name, for some strange reason. I bet it's some sort of twisted sentiment…

As I'm sure you can tell by now, Mother is also… quite creepy.

And so, since I'm not the approachable type and lack people who could possibly _help_ me with my situation, my only other resource is… Zack.

But, naturally, Zack being Zack, and Zack being a pig, he tells me - day after _day_ - that I need to get laid.

And I do. _Badly_.

…but I want CLOUD. I just want to… throw him down whenever I see him, to say these little words of affection into his ear as I fuck him _relentlessly_. That is, if he could hear me above all of his pleasured screaming… he seems like a screamer…

Mmm… I enjoy screamers… that loud, eagerly expressive, _writhing_ type… with a very _select_ vocabulary during sex… with blonde hair I can grasp onto as he's going down on me… and blue eyes I could drown in… who are petite with a gorgeous little body I can't stop running my hands over… and still so much naïve innocence in his face…

…I want a screamer with the name CLOUD STRIFE!

Honestly, he is just _begging_ for me to ravish him by simply _looking_ the way he does.

Again, I'm getting off-track… and _hard_. Gods, do you see what he does to me?! Lusting after him non-stop… it's painful.

Cliché as it may be, it's difficult to have these sorts of feelings for a friend. And I don't want to just _fuck_ Cloud - and _all the time_, having more sex than Zack _ever_ had, though I do, I _really_… **_really_** do - but… I want to _be_ with him. I want to… be _sappy_ with him. It makes me gag that I would be the type to go so _saccharine_, but what else can I do?

He must've noticed me gazing - longingly, I might add - at him, I tend to do it all the time; mainly when Zack drones on about whatever inane tale he's decided to tell us. I just sit and daydream about the beautiful little blonde and how it would feel to **_be_** with him… in _both_ senses of the word. Surely it makes him wonder…

…no, no, scratch that. Because he is just as dense as Zack.

I know I will have to take Vincent's advice and tell Cloud one of these days. Though, I am reluctant about it, the last time I tried making the first move - _Zack_ of all people, I _still_ can't believe I _did_ that! - it ended up badly. Then again, Cloud… _definitely_ isn't straight, so I probably don't have to worry much about it going _that_ wrong…

Anyway, I'm almost positive that right now, all Cloud sees me is as more of a father figure than anything else. I'll be the first to admit that I'm overprotective of him. But can I truly be blamed? He's like a deer in the headlights, he needs someone to look after him. Namely… me.

And besides, Reno needed a good ass-kicking. He's been practically asking for it since the day I met him.

I think it's all that fucking red hair.

I _knew_ that rotten bastard would do something like that to my Cloud.

Yes, I said **_my_** Cloud.

…see, Reno is a playboy. He's even worse than Zack - as hard as _that_ is to believe - because whether it be guys, girls… mogs… it doesn't _matter_ to him. As long as there's a willing party and an orifice to be filled, Reno _will_ be there, eventually.

I know this. I, like so, _so_ many others, have, unfortunately, 'ridden the Reno' - his term, not mine. Not quite my finest hour - …alright, five minutes, he's rather quick - but I was beguiled by his… something or other. Maybe it was a Fascination spell, who knows…

What makes me wonder, though, is how my _brother_ knew him, since Vincent was the one to introduce me to Reno in the first place. As far back as I can remember, Vincent's only brought home a few friends of his, other than… _her_… Come to think of it, Vincent's only _had_ a few friends, and none of them I particularly cared for. All of them had the same characteristics Reno has, too. Bad mouths, bad habits. One of them especially… Cid… had worse language than the sailors at Junon Harbor.

Not to perpetuate the cliché of sailors swearing incessantly. I'm just mentioning it because the people at that port use more profanities than the bums in Wall Market.

I wanted so badly to keep Cloud from that asshole Reno, but of course, I couldn't. I know Cloud was fresh meat to him, nothing more. _Every_ new face is fresh to him. Reno took Cloud's virginity without a second thought, and the part I loathe the _most_ is that Cloud allowed it to happen. Yes, Reno _is_ attractive, if grunge is your thing, and he does have a certain charisma, but for Cloud to give himself over to him so quickly…

Barely a month into it and they were sleeping together. Cloud was too young, then…

The worst thing is, I found Reno had been sleeping around on him the _day_ _before_ I knew about what Cloud had been doing. How did I know about Reno?

Well… I followed him around.

…I told you I was protective of Cloud.

It was fantastic to beat the hell out of Reno, I can't lie about that. Violence is quite the source of relief when you're sexually frustrated. I'm surprised I haven't abused more people up to this point. …maybe I'll seek out Reno again and 'check up' on those scars I gave him.

I didn't cut him or anything cruel like that, if you're wondering. I have an aversion to weapons, actually, with the exception of my sword collection, and trust, those are strictly for show. Those scars were given to him by my bare hands… it's odd how much damage fists can do to sharp cheekbones - hit with a few precise punches, of course.

How those cuts ended up completely symmetrical, though, is beyond me.

He hadn't even tried to defend himself! I thought he would've done at least _that_ much. After all he _is_ in a supposed 'gang'. Ha. Maybe they're simply non-violent. Or Reno is a wimp, either one, though I'm leaning more towards the latter.

I believe he was cheating on Cloud with one of his fellow 'Turks' as well. Hell, he could have been cheating on Cloud with _all_ of the Turks. Surprising, though, that Reno actually _confessed_ that he had been sleeping around, given that my evidence was rather inadequate… and, if you're a law-abiding citizen, quite illegal in the way I found it.

In my defense I hadn't followed him _into_ the house he went to, I didn't think it was all that necessary. The simple stalking worked. Just seeing him pay attention to someone other than Cloud is proof enough for me.

Okay, yes, I tend to fly off the handle once in a while, but again I have to say that Reno _truly_ deserved a beating. I love Cloud… and I loathe Reno…

I loathe a great deal of the human race, though, except for Cloud, Zack and Vincent. And there _are_ a few exceptions to my general 'humans suck' rule, one or two who are in my good graces, but I don't necessarily _like_ them. But most of all, I hate the people who have hurt Cloud. Those are the ones who go on my shit-list.

__

My Cloud.

__

MINE!

…

…maybe I do have some insanity issues after all…

-E-N-D---S-E-P-H-I-R-O-T-H-S---S-I-D-E---E-N-D-

——————————

__

A/N: ACK. I can't believe I took so long to update this!!

****

Sephiroth: And **I** can't believe you had me uke it to **RENO**!  
**Reno:** ::grins:: What can I say, she's a smart girl.  
Err… ::sweatdrops:: Yeah, unlikely situation. Maybe even more unlikely than Seph hooking up with Aeris.  
**Sephiroth:** That's right. I'm gay. Besides, I killed that wench.  
Yes, yes you did. And you're prettier than her, anyway. ::pets Sephiroth::  
**Sephiroth (growling):** I repeat, do **not** touch me. …and stop making me so whiny! Gods, I'm worse than Cloud!!  
**Cloud:** …hey… ::frowns:: That was low…  
**Sephiroth:** Not to mention I sound as if I'm two steps away from carving 'I LOVE CLOUD' into my forearm… gods, give me an even WORSE characterization, why don't you!  
Eh heh…  
**Sephiroth: **Hell, why don't you just change my name to ObsesSephiroth or StalkyRoth! THEY WOULD BLOODY WELL **WORK**!!!  
Heh… sorry, Seph, but you **were** pretty obsessed in the game… and I… figured…  
::watches Sephiroth stalk off, muttering::

Hmm… should I have Zack's side up next, or write a third-person chapter before going back into POV? ::ponders:: Which sounds better?  
**Zack:** More me!  
…freakin' egotist…


	4. Zack's Side, part 2: The Reflective Pig

****

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::  
**Rating:** R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi (…het and yuri… of a sort…?), language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…  
**Pairing:** 'Stephanie' x Zack x 'Claudia'  
**Notes:** …please don't shoot me. Trust me, I'm all for kicking my own ass right about now. ::hides::

——————————

----Z-A-C-K-S---S-I-D-E----

…goddamn, I had the _best_ fuckin' dream a few days ago. _You_ know the ones.

Threesome, baby.

That's right. Two _very_ hot girls, one _very_ hot Zack, and a whole lotta fuckin' goin' on.

Oh yes, it was one hell of a tasty Zack-wich.

And the thing that makes it even _better_ was that as I told Seph and Spike about it, they got turned on, too. They _did_. Can you believe it? I managed to make two _gay_ guys hard by them listening to me going on about having sex with two _girls_.

…yes, the dream was just _that_ good.

Well… except after a bit of recovery, Seph started to laugh at me… like, really, really _hard_… and _mockingly_, the bastard. I don't think I ever heard him go on like that before, with his shoulders shaking, covering his face as he just went on… I think I heard a 'mwa' in there, too. It was creepy in a way, because on normal days he really doesn't seem like anyone but a cold, asshole type of guy who's utterly obsessive about a lot of things, and to see him laugh so hard… he looked insane.

…yeah, I know, from that description alone it sounds like 'insane' isn't exactly _far_ from the truth, but…

Well, at any rate… after he finally managed to settle down, he and Cloud started exchanging these weird glances -- you know, those fucking _annoying_ 'I-know-something-you-don't-know' deals… I _hate_ that.

Spike was cute about it, though… he was blushing like crazy, and I _know_ he was trying to hold back those hiccup-y giggles he gets when he's nervous or embarrassed. Oh, but he's not off the hook just because he's freakin' adorable. I'm mad at him as much as I am Seph.

Alright, it's not them personally, just… see, the thing that pisses me off was the fact that neither one of them would just _tell_ me what was so fuckin' funny while _they_ obviously enjoyed hearing about it, too. It wasn't an amusing dream, either, it was… _sex_.

Huh.

…alright, on second thought, maybe that is kind of funny. It sounds a little ridiculous that it'd get that sort of reaction from them since they aren't attracted to -- hell, they can barely _tolerate_ -- girls and stuff, so… okay, I guess they can laugh at that. It's just the _way_ they were doing it, and the looks they gave each other… what the fuck _was_ that!?

……

Hmph. They better not be hiding shit from me… like a big revelation or whatever. But seriously, would they do that to me? I personally don't think they would… I mean, they'd tell me if I was being retarded and am missing something important in my subconscious that I should be seeing without question…

Yeah, they wouldn't just leave me in the dark. They'd definitely tell me, because that's what good friends do.

…right?

…

…dammit.

Great, now I'm getting _paranoid_. I think long-term exposure to Seph's mental problems is starting to rub off on me. Good thing I don't hang out with Vin every day, too, or else I'd be a schizo afflicted with severe dysphoria issues as well. I'd be a _real_ catch then, wouldn't I? Imagine me, a nice, _manly_ mix between Sephiroth and Vincent… I wonder who'd want to put me out of my misery first: Cloud, or _me_.

Er, derailed. Sorry.

Whatever, all I know is, I made a solemn resolution: I, Zackary 'I'd rather go by _Zax_ than _Zack_ but no one fucking calls me that when I ask them to' Knightblade, am gonna start a search for the girls in this dream.

See, I'm doing the smart thing that televangelists do and interpreting this dream as a sort of prophecy-type deal. This shall be my mission in life, my ultimate goal… my gods-appointed spiritual quest…!

…well, maybe not _exactly_. I'm definitely _not_ looking for a higher power or the holy freakin' grail or anything… what I'm looking for is a couple of hot, loose women.

Because I'm a pig.

Either way you wanna take it, I gotta do this. See, the way I figure it is this: since I obviously can't stick with just _one_ girl -- which pisses Sephiroth off, but fuck him, right? It's _my_ love life. I don't go pressuring him about his chickenshit attitude towards his whole nonexistent Cloud situation, so he should leave me alone about what… no, wait, _who_ I wanna do -- then maybe I'd be able to stick with _two_ chicks, especially since _they_ want to be together, too.

Wait; I mean, the two of 'em want to be together, but they want me in the middle.

Yes, because I know I'm just _that_ good.

…not that I know what they really look like other than some nondescript traits that can be applied to like, every other girl on the fucking _Planet_, which would make it sorta… almost nearly impossible to seek them out. Easily, at any rate.

Seriously. Way to burst my bubble, subconscious. Send me prophetic images of myself in a tangle of limbs with two hot chicks and then fuck me out of any path to them whatsoever. Thanks, I really appreciate it.

Asshole.

Sadly, it was one of _those_, too; the kind of dreams where you're on the outside lookin' in and your vision's too hazy to really make everything out, so you gotta go more by sounds and shit than by sight, faces all out of focus and all that stupid crap that… sucks.

Not to say that going by sound is a totally bad thing; the one I was with (the tiny blonde one, I could tell _that_ much) sounded _great_. It was so hot… she kept on moaning like crazy -- I _love_ loud girls… makes me know that I'm doing _something_ right. Remember ladies, a man needs encouragement -- and I mean like, professional porn star caliber.

…porn? Maybe I _should_ look for her in porn… 'Claudia' _is_ sort of a porn star name.

That's right. Her name was 'Claudia'. How do I know that?

Easy: the leggy one said so.

Repeatedly.

That one, though… eh, I didn't get a chance with _her_, really. She was more of the in-charge type… y'know, all bossy and dominant in the _good_ way. Besides, I think she was a little more into the blonde than she was me, anyway. Trust me, she couldn't keep her hands off of that girl.

…which, to be honest, was fine with me. I _love_ lesbians.

Not to say that I didn't do _anything_ with her… Stephanie, I think it was? Or… I dunno, something like that… it was hard to tell, since most of the time Claudia was just hissing out 'S's or moaning (hey, I told you she moaned a _lot_) something that sounded like 'Steph'… staff… stiff…

…_Seph_…!?

Uh…

…yeah, I'm not even gonna go there.

And I'm getting way off track again. Gods, the things they're doin' to my poor head…

Right, okay, well, I didn't _fuck_ Stephanie but I do have one thing to say about that girl: she loves her mouth and _really _knows how to use that tongue of hers, and by the look of it, Claudia thought so, too.

The dream was still good, though. But as much as I like girl-on-girl, a good chunk of the dream I spent… well, jerking off while watching Claudia and Stephanie go at it. I actually thought that the two of them forgot I was even there for a while since Steph was so wrapped up in going down on Claudia for that long.

For a very long time. Trust me, it was. No, really, after a few minutes of that I was like 'gods, Claudia, just come already and let _me_ have a turn', but I didn't _say_ anything like that.

Seriously, I didn't.

…hey, I may be considered a selfish jerk in real life but I'm smarter than that in my dreams. Like I'd fuck up another chance to be with two girls… no, it wasn't real, I know, but do you think my cock -- …or my mind -- really cares?

So, after gods know how long, Claudia finally finishes with the sexiest little squeal _ever_ -- which, come to think of it, actually sounded a little bit like that thing Cloud does when he gets surprised… like what happens if you grab him when his back's turned. It's fun… and he actually gets kinda cute and flustered when I do that, too… but I worry sometimes that if I do it too often his heart's gonna explode, so I don't.

Even though, like I said, it's fun. And as you can probably tell, I _love_ my fun.

But Cloud's jumpy as a hamster anyway, so if I grab him like that his heart pounds so hard _I_ can hear it and I don't really think it'd be too healthy for me to do that to him all the time.

Heh… it kinda makes me wonder exactly what would happen if _Seph_ grabbed him like that, because Cloud could actually _like_ Seph (or is intimidated by him… hell, he intimidates me too sometimes, and I've been his friend for _years_) and it would be kinda funny to see the reaction that one would get. And I mean reactions on both sides of the scale.

Well… it probably wouldn't be too hard to imagine what Seph would do. In my mind's eye, I can see Sephiroth's eyes rolling back into his skull and glazing over from the sheer pleasure of touching the object of his complete and total -- not to mention _freakishly strong_ -- desire plain as day. As for Cloud…

…yeah, if Seph grabbed him like I do, I can see Spike dropping dead.

But it's not like I'm never gonna find out what would happen for _real_, because when it comes to Cloud, Seph is a hopeless wuss. Just… don't tell him I said that, or else he'd probably kill me and piss on my grave while singing that weird opera song he loves so much.

Yeah, opera. Trust me, Sephiroth has some really strange tastes when it comes to certain things. I think he gets it from his dad… Hojo is _really_ creepy.

…and he won't let me go over their house anymore. What the fuck.

Yeah, 'their' house. Because, creepier still, Hojo won't let either Seph or Vincent move out of the place… even though Vincent's coming up on his 27th birthday this October. Which means: what their old man's doing isn't. _Healthy_.

See, when they ever _dare_ mention leaving, Hojo throws a hissy fit and uses the fact that their mom's locked up in some facility surrounded by white-coats to guilt them into staying for 'observation' because supposedly, he thinks that one of them will be the next to go.

Yeah. Isn't that fucked up?

Anyway, I watch over and talk to Seph every day, and Vin I see probably twice a week, and so far I've seen no signs of this 'mental deterioration' Hojo's so intent on believing they have.

…except maybe for Sephiroth's whole Cloud thing and on a lesser scale, Vincent's missing spine. But both of those problems can be fixed -- or at least _improved_ -- with very little effort… and here's how. It's easy.

Hey… I am good for _some_ advice, yannow.

Vincent's problem is easy. He needs to find a new girl. That's it. Problem solved for him. Ditch the bitch, Vin. There's a ton of girls that'd want to get with him and shit, probably even a few guys, too. I know how chicks look at him when the two of us hang out, and hell, even some of the girls I've dated checked him out -- right in front of me, damn -- so it's not like he'd have to search real hard for someone who's interested in him.

Physically, anyway. The dude's real gloomy and broody all the time, so he's not the most approachable type… but seriously, it's all because of the way Lucrecia treats him -- even though he would never admit that she treats him like shit because he loves her for some fucked up reason. So yeah, if Vin can get rid of her and find himself someone, y'know, halfway _decent_, his attitude'll perk up, too.

This is, of course, is my own optimism talking, but whatever, I stand by it. I'm allowed to think happy thoughts, even if no one else in Midgar ever wants to. It's too dismal here… makes everyone pissy as hell all the time… gods. No wonder Vincent drowns in angst.

Not to mention that maybe, if Vin turns happy-go-lucky (which, yeah, I get that'd _never_ be, but if his outlook is tweaked in just the right way, maybe he'll at least start to _smile_. One of these days… but who the fuck knows, maybe not) then Hojo will let at least _him_ grow up. That'd probably help a lot, too. You know, so he's not treated like some sort of freak by his dad anymore.

…but Hojo makes everyone feel like a freak. No wonder their mom's nuts.

Now, Seph's problem, on the other hand, is a little harder to remedy, but mainly 'cause he's so fucking apprehensive when it comes to potential 'lovers' -- or whatever the hell he calls them. He hasn't had one in so long that I can't even remember anymore.

At any rate, Zack the sex doctor's diagnosis (yeah I called myself a 'sex doctor', shut up) is that Sephiroth **_really_** needs to get laid… a _few_ times. And what do I prescribe for that?

…sex, duh.

For his case -- which would be… no sexual contact with another person at _all_ in two whole _years_ (god_damn_, if I was Seph, I would be so dead by now. Or insane… which may explain some things about him, actually. Yeah, I know what I said earlier but he does have _some_ tendencies) -- he'd probably need like, five or six rounds, depending; how much stamina he's got in him, positions he'd employ… and, obviously, how much of a pounding his fuckee can take, et cetera.

All of that should preferably happen within the same day, too, but I recommend he do it in a few different locations for variety. For example, an elevator. Or on a desk.

Or after hours on the merry-go-round at Wonder Square's beachside amusement park in Costa del Sol.

…not that I've done that.

……recently.

And, if he had my ethics, I'd say with several different people, too, but Sephiroth isn't _me_, so that's out of the question.

Another problem (well, not a problem per se, but it is one right this _second_) is that he's utterly devoted to CLOUD, that freak. So unless Seph magically gets the balls to say something (and the kid's willing to have a pole digging into his back as he's being fucked on a plastic horse while they're all moving up and down, if Seph decides to do the merry-go-round thing) then there is _no_ hope for him.

Of course, if I were a better friend I'd probably have a quickie or two with Seph to, you know, help 'im out, but I'm straight and don't entertain those kinds of thoughts. I love women… even though, as I've said before, yeah, Sephiroth is… _scarily_ hot. For a dude.

…and, in some ways, feels like a girl. His hair especially.

But… even if it was for the sake of his health, Spike may hate me if I did that. By 'did that', of course, I mean, 'did _Seph_' -- wait… or would Seph be the one doing _me_? He _is_ kinda dominant and like, stupidly overbearing and possessive, too, I don't think he'd let it be any other way… hm…

…uh…

…yeah, I think it'd be best if I just stopped this train of thought right now. Never gonna happen. Seph can fantasize about getting with me all he wants -- and I know he does, I mean, come _on_ -- but he won't. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I have a problem with the fact that Seph still secretly wants me, it's just… different, 'cause he's my friend and knows I'm not gay and all. Too bad he isn't more like Cloud…

Speaking of fantasizing… I went _way_ off the subject this time, didn't I? I mean, I know I have a tendency to just go on like that but gods, this time was really bad.

…whatever, this issue is more important than sex with hot girls. For the moment, anyway.

Aah, yes, now you get to see Zack being all 'ruminative', to quote Sephiroth. Bet you're cheering your asses off at that one.

Now… about Cloud/Sephiroth and what I said before, and why I say it.

If, _hypothetically_, Seph and I fucked and Spike found out about it, I do think that Cloud seriously would wish death upon me. Just a feeling I get… because, unlike Sephiroth and his very loud Cloud-obsession when not around the kid himself, I don't know if Cloud _likes_ Seph likes Seph, but I have the _feeling_ that he does.

Or… that he likes one of us, 'cause he kinda gives off that 'tee hee I've got a crush' vibe, but why the hell would Cloud like _me_? I know I look good and all, but… yeah.

But see, if Cloud actually did have a thing for Seph (or me), he'd never really let on or speak up about it. Other guys, yeah; he's told me before when had crushes on my friends (and when did 'things' with them, too). If he ever liked Seph though… I dunno. I have some ideas…

Like I said, I can't tell if he likes Seph or not, because Cloud's pretty withdrawn sometimes, and… who knows, maybe he doesn't let on because Seph's such a good friend of _both_ of us, unlike everyone else Spike's ever dated… acquaintances and shit, yeah, but he was never friends with them, really, 'til afterwards, and even then he never had a real 'bond' or whatever with any of 'em, as far as I know.

Or he won't speak up because Seph's 'old' -- which he's _not_, but 23 to a 16-year old is pretty steep, I guess. Age isn't a big deal to _me_… I've dated girls both younger _and_ older than me, but Cloud may not be that way. Or Cloud may not think that Sephiroth would ever let his noble self see someone who isn't close to his own age, since Cloud's _never_ seen him date anyone, _ever_, and therefore has no clue what range Seph tends to lean towards. Though… no, I'll tell you right now, Seph never dated (or was ever even attracted to) anyone _that_ much younger than him. If I remember right, the youngest guy he ever went out with was two or three years younger, so…

Eh… maybe that isn't it at all. Cloud could know something about, y'know, that whole 'when friends turn into lovers' thing that I don't and doesn't want to tell me anything for fear that something _would_ get back to Seph, and then awkwardness or whatever would ruin the relationship that we three have… who knows.

Not that I blame him. I'd hate to see that happen too. I love these guys… they're like brothers to me.

That means I'm the screwed-up middle child. Yay. Now I have an excuse.

…of course, Spike probably knows that I may -- for Seph's sake, honest, I'd be in it for absolutely no glory or reward of my own -- be the one to stick my nose in his business had he confirmed that he liked Seph, pull a few strings…

…heh. I could be a puppet master. Mwa ha HA… yesss. And Seph can stop pining and finally get with his 'one true love' and stop being a fucking freak about it already.

I guess, too, that there's always the possibility that Cloud actually isn't into Sephiroth, which, uh… yeah, _would_ be a pretty good explanation why he never said anything. Just because I (and every other person on the Planet) think that Sephiroth is hot doesn't mean Cloud has to, too. But it's not like I get how the kid thinks, so how the hell should I know? I mean, he fucked _Reno_ for the gods' sake. Anything could be goin' on in his mixed-up little head of his.

Either way… some solid resolution with the whole Cloud thing would be nice for Seph, so he can either just move on or… not move on. Because to be completely honest with you, I know this isn't… well, _healthy_ for him. Yeah, I admit, I love to tease him about Spike, I talk shit… this obsession, though… bad. Something's gotta be done with it.

…but I don't want to think about this anymore. Mainly because it makes me sound dumb for not butting in anyway, regardless of my own personal preference of, yannow, minding my own damn business.

……minding my own business when I know something is one-sided, I mean. If I knew this was a mutual thing, then hell, that's my ticket to go.

Yeah, I could ask Cloud if he -- now or ever -- was interested in Seph, but like I said… I don't think he'd tell me the truth anyway. There is a method I could use to pull the truth from him, yeah, but that would break the whole 'minding my own business' code.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Yeah… whatever happens with Cloud and Sephiroth happens. Just gotta wait and see if things'll ever run their course, I guess. Trust me, I won't let this go on for another year, though. Seph's likely to break from that… but especially if Cloud ever finds a new boyfriend. Seriously, that thing with Reno…

As far as my own future relationships go… all I know is, I _really_ gotta get me some real-life Claudia and Stephanie action. Because fuck, that was a hot. The things they did just to please me… goddamn. If I never have another girl/girl dream again, that'd be perfectly alright with me. This one'll do nicely for the rest of my life.

And it'll be even better once I get a taste of the real thing, because I _know_ these girls gotta be out there.

…somewhere.

…thus, my search shall commence. And once I find them, life for Zack shall be good.

Really, really good.

-E-N-D---Z-A-C-K-S---S-I-D-E---E-N-D-

——————————

__

A/N: …………someone please tell me I didn't just take 10 months to get this crap written.

::dodges rocks and other angry beat-the-neglectful-author implements of torture:: Sorry… ;.; You all must want to kill me. Agh… it's just that this POV thing is really hard to come up with when there's no direction for the story to really… y'know, go in O.o;

…well, I have a direction NOW, so hopefully I'll be able to write a little QUICKER, gah. If I can ever finish my other stories, that would be even better for this one.

****

Zack (pouting): I'm not **that** dumb…  
::Seph and Cloud exchange wary glances::


End file.
